A Wise Tale
What a perfect day for one's husband to have his wisdom teeth removed. Wouldn't you say? Well, I do...
Waking up early on this cold December morning to have his teeth ripped out may not have been Jeff's first choice on a given list of "things to do". Alas, the time had come - and so we went. We arrived at the dental clinic on base with the impression Jeff wouldn't be under anesthetic sedation. But to Jeff's relief, we were wrong...and I was looking forward to the end results in a couple hours.
To my satisfaction, the doctor came into the waiting room and escorted me back to the room where Jeff was (after I had picked up his meds and moved the truck closer to the area of the building Jeff would exit from) and told me everything went well and Jeff had a few minutes left on the machine before they'd release him. I was greeted with a very large gauzy smile from a bright eyed Jeff. My husband-the now drowsy and entertaining comedian for the following 30 minutes.
Now, you'll have to bare with me because I may not recount the series of lines Jeff said in order of how they were spoken because I was exhausted from laughing so hard and trying to pay attention to the snow covered roads. I'm quite certain the doctor and attending physicians in the room had a few giggles while Jeff was leaving. The doctor gave me my instructions while laughing along with me so-there ya go.
Anyway, as the doctor spoke with me I was torn between paying attention and watching Jeff speak with (well TRY to speak with) the woman removing his IV.
JEFF [speaking with clarity though with a bit of a lisp and a mouth full of gauze]: "Isth that a flexthible needle?!"
NURSE: "Yes, it is."
JEFF [bending his finger to imitate the IV needle removed]: "Wow..."
ME: [laughing uncontrollable already]
JEFF [looks at me and starts laughing]: "Hey, no makin fun-a me....stop laughing. Doc, tell her sche can't make fun-a me."
DOCTOR: [smiles and chuckles] "Ok, I'll tell her but you need to put pressure on that gauze so stop talking."
JEFF: "I can put pressure...see....pressure" [Jeff at this point basically reminded me of a kid over-exaggerating his grin to show his teeth whose face got stuck that way. Big eyes, all teeth showing and lips somehow pursed out slightly proving he can "pressure".]
It was a little funny/scary....So we all laughed.
JEFF [to me]: "This is payback huh?"
AMY: "This is hilarious."
A few more minutes passed with repeated instructions for Jeff to "pressure". After which he'd proudly prove he could "pressure" by making The Face and giving a thumbs up. (Followed by more of my laughing...which was followed by Jeff's cheeky grin and demands that I not laugh.) But eventually it was time to leave and Jeff starts whipping his head back and forth to look behind him.
DOCTOR: "What are you looking for?"
JEFF: "The wheel chair."
(Which had not yet been brought in but apparently Jeff was on top of things.)
DOCTOR: "We'll get you one, don't worry."
JEFF: Well, I'm feelin good. I can just walk right outta here."
(Man with wheel chair enters. Nurse begins to help Jeff up and into the wheel chair.
NURSE: "Still think you can walk now?"
JEFF: "Eh..I would've been alright. But this is fine."
NURSE: 'You're doing great."
JEFF [stops]: "Why thank you!" [and sits in the wheel chair]
Now, keep in mind it had started snowing while Jeff was under sedation and there was now at least a couple inches on the ground.
[Door to the outside world opens.] Jeff exclaims, "wooo! It's cold!" Which actually isn't unusual but still funny since everything he's saying is slurred.
While helping him into the truck, Jeff clearly explains he can "walk like a champ" and allows them to help him sit down without bumping his head. He does manage to buckle himself in though.
So I get in the truck and Jeff becomes very chatty. But not before taking the liberty to reenact how I was after getting my wisdom teeth removed. That was pretty funny...
"They only took out two of my teeth."
"Yes, that is true. They didn't need to take out the top ones."
"No, I'll have to go back."
"Doctor says you're good to keep them."
"Nah...he was just too a-scared to take them out."
[insert me laughing here]
"So I'm only half wise"
"That's ok"
"But I wanted to be fully wise"
"I think you'll survive"
"I don't know. I woke up in the end."
[Bahaha! I contemplated whether or not to explain that he just stated the obvious.]
.......
JEFF: "So, did you eat your pear?"
ME: "My what?"
"Your pear..."
"No, I didn't get a pear"
(I had mentioned on the way to the dental clinic that I might go get a snack from the Commissary.)
"What about an apple?"
"Nope, I didn't eat an apple."
"Did you go to the Commiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii?"
[me laughing] "No, I didn't go to the 'Commiiiiii', I just waited in the lobby."
"Why?"
"Because it started snowing heavily and I wanted to be here waiting."
"Yes, I know it started snowing. They told me....I was so happy."
"You were? Why is that?"
"No not for me. I was happy for you!"
[me giggling at his sweet thoughts while he was still coming to.]
"Well, thank you."
"Are the road conditions red?"
"I'm not sure but the roads haven't been cleared yet."
"Hmm" [Whips himself around in his seat to look out the back window (I'm guessing to look at the sign which indicates road conditions on base.) and just blank-stares for what had to be a full minute.]
We exit the base and come to a road where I have to make a left turn. I thought the car at the stop sign wasn't going to stop since he slid a little past the mark. So I just mumbled "whoa, please stop." or something like that. Jeff, and all of his under-the-influence intelligence, clarifies, "He can't see you because he doesn't have his lights on." (In broad morning daylight.) lol!
As we continue driving down the road, Jeff leans over and asks me to kiss him. Not the most attractive offer when your husband's breath smells like blood and his eyes are half way rolling back in his head.
ME [laughing]: 'I can't kiss you right now, I'm driving."
JEFF [flips down the passenger side mirror and gasps]: "They put blood on my lips!"
[hahaha] "They didn't put blood on your lips, you've just got a little there because you won't stop talking and put pressure on the gauze."
[Cue the big eyes, crazy kid expression]
"I can pressure!"
"Good job."
"What did they say about French kissing in the regiment?"
"What??"
"I didn't read anything about it. Did you ask them? I forgot to ask them"
"Well, no but I'm pretty sure they don't allow French kissing in the 'regiment'." [bahahaha]
"Oh."
[insert me still laughing]
JEFF [sounding a little groggy]: "There's new WRX coming out"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I read it in my magazine...looks fun!"
"Sounds great. Try not to talk so much."
"Right-pressure."
JEFF: "I'm mad."
"Why are you mad?"
"Because I didn't get to count down."
"Count down for what?"
"Ya know, 5-4-3-2- [insert very loud snoring sound here]"
[hahaha!]
"That's too bad. You can count down now if you'd like." [Not thinking he would.]
[Jeff is quiet for a moment]: "5...4...3...2...1.....0.......-1...-2...-3........"
He must have counted himself to sleep though I thought he was just quiet for a minute. I had to wipe the melted snow off the window so I used the windshield wipers. This clearly disturbed Jeff.
"Ahhh!"
"...sorry..." [trying not to laugh]
"I wasn't finished counting."
[hahaha] "Would you like to start over?" [again, not thinking he was going to]
"Ok. 5...4...3...2...1...0...-1...-2...-3...-4........will you pull into the driveway and pop the hood?" [He asks as we turn down our street.]
"Sure, I'll pull in the driveway. But why am I popping the hood??"
"Because I need to put more windshield washer fluid in."
"Let 'sjust get you into the house first. You can do that later."
"No, it needs to be done."
"I know-just not right this minute."
"But I'm a good husband and I take care of my wife!!"
"You're a great husband...but you're drugged and can't even stand up on your own right now."
"They drugged me!" [This wasn't a question.]
"Are you gonna carry me?" [He asks with a childish grin.]
"I'm going to HELP you walk."
"I'm a great walker."
[I walk around to his side to help him out, open the door and he starts gasping at the cold and fumbling with his beanie hat.]
"I need my hat! My hat!"
"Alright then put it on."
[Jeff put it on and looks rather content-as if he just realized how good he looks with a beanie on. LOL!]
The experience of getting him from the truck to our bed downstairs was pretty funny. He was very exaggerated about his first step up to the garage door and kept making himself laugh. Entering the house, we were greeted by Honey who looked happy but confused. lol Walking down stairs seemed to take forever and he kept talking about momentum. "I'm workin on my momentum." All the way down the hallway he pointed to EVERY picture and said, "I like that picture." I finally get him to sit on the bed and he asks me to help him take off his pants. So I took off his boots and was TRYING to help him take off his pants. It was like trying to de-robe a 6 foot child whose legs just hung with dead weight while he tells me "this isn't very sexy." To which I had to respond, "well it's not like your helping me." LOL! He laughed and eventually got himself under the covers and we changed his gauze before he passed out. (Oh yeah, real sexy babe...)
"Do I have more drugs? Where are they?"
"Yes, you have pain meds in the back seat. I'll bring them in once we get you settled."
"Awe, it's the military. They probably just gave me a bottle of Tylenol." [He either said Tylenol or Midol but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt hahaha!!!]
"No, they gave you the good stuff. You can take it when you're ready."
At this point he goes on to mumble a bunch of words that were supposed to be names of medicine but really his pronunciation of 'Oxycodone' was just a major fail.
Oh goodness I really couldn't even stand up straight I was laughing so hard. I think the only unfortunate thing about blogging is I can't reenact it for you. He made me promise not to video tape anything-but boy am I going to love telling this story for years to come. I will gladly share it with friends and family who ask. I certainly can't wait to tell him about it. I just went downstairs to check on him and he tells me, "I don't remember anything", and kept raising his eyebrows when he spoke.
I've had such a great morning....
Waking up early on this cold December morning to have his teeth ripped out may not have been Jeff's first choice on a given list of "things to do". Alas, the time had come - and so we went. We arrived at the dental clinic on base with the impression Jeff wouldn't be under anesthetic sedation. But to Jeff's relief, we were wrong...and I was looking forward to the end results in a couple hours.
To my satisfaction, the doctor came into the waiting room and escorted me back to the room where Jeff was (after I had picked up his meds and moved the truck closer to the area of the building Jeff would exit from) and told me everything went well and Jeff had a few minutes left on the machine before they'd release him. I was greeted with a very large gauzy smile from a bright eyed Jeff. My husband-the now drowsy and entertaining comedian for the following 30 minutes.
Now, you'll have to bare with me because I may not recount the series of lines Jeff said in order of how they were spoken because I was exhausted from laughing so hard and trying to pay attention to the snow covered roads. I'm quite certain the doctor and attending physicians in the room had a few giggles while Jeff was leaving. The doctor gave me my instructions while laughing along with me so-there ya go.
Anyway, as the doctor spoke with me I was torn between paying attention and watching Jeff speak with (well TRY to speak with) the woman removing his IV.
JEFF [speaking with clarity though with a bit of a lisp and a mouth full of gauze]: "Isth that a flexthible needle?!"
NURSE: "Yes, it is."
JEFF [bending his finger to imitate the IV needle removed]: "Wow..."
ME: [laughing uncontrollable already]
JEFF [looks at me and starts laughing]: "Hey, no makin fun-a me....stop laughing. Doc, tell her sche can't make fun-a me."
DOCTOR: [smiles and chuckles] "Ok, I'll tell her but you need to put pressure on that gauze so stop talking."
JEFF: "I can put pressure...see....pressure" [Jeff at this point basically reminded me of a kid over-exaggerating his grin to show his teeth whose face got stuck that way. Big eyes, all teeth showing and lips somehow pursed out slightly proving he can "pressure".]
It was a little funny/scary....So we all laughed.
JEFF [to me]: "This is payback huh?"
AMY: "This is hilarious."
A few more minutes passed with repeated instructions for Jeff to "pressure". After which he'd proudly prove he could "pressure" by making The Face and giving a thumbs up. (Followed by more of my laughing...which was followed by Jeff's cheeky grin and demands that I not laugh.) But eventually it was time to leave and Jeff starts whipping his head back and forth to look behind him.
DOCTOR: "What are you looking for?"
JEFF: "The wheel chair."
(Which had not yet been brought in but apparently Jeff was on top of things.)
DOCTOR: "We'll get you one, don't worry."
JEFF: Well, I'm feelin good. I can just walk right outta here."
(Man with wheel chair enters. Nurse begins to help Jeff up and into the wheel chair.
NURSE: "Still think you can walk now?"
JEFF: "Eh..I would've been alright. But this is fine."
NURSE: 'You're doing great."
JEFF [stops]: "Why thank you!" [and sits in the wheel chair]
Now, keep in mind it had started snowing while Jeff was under sedation and there was now at least a couple inches on the ground.
[Door to the outside world opens.] Jeff exclaims, "wooo! It's cold!" Which actually isn't unusual but still funny since everything he's saying is slurred.
While helping him into the truck, Jeff clearly explains he can "walk like a champ" and allows them to help him sit down without bumping his head. He does manage to buckle himself in though.
So I get in the truck and Jeff becomes very chatty. But not before taking the liberty to reenact how I was after getting my wisdom teeth removed. That was pretty funny...
"They only took out two of my teeth."
"Yes, that is true. They didn't need to take out the top ones."
"No, I'll have to go back."
"Doctor says you're good to keep them."
"Nah...he was just too a-scared to take them out."
[insert me laughing here]
"So I'm only half wise"
"That's ok"
"But I wanted to be fully wise"
"I think you'll survive"
"I don't know. I woke up in the end."
[Bahaha! I contemplated whether or not to explain that he just stated the obvious.]
.......
JEFF: "So, did you eat your pear?"
ME: "My what?"
"Your pear..."
"No, I didn't get a pear"
(I had mentioned on the way to the dental clinic that I might go get a snack from the Commissary.)
"What about an apple?"
"Nope, I didn't eat an apple."
"Did you go to the Commiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii?"
[me laughing] "No, I didn't go to the 'Commiiiiii', I just waited in the lobby."
"Why?"
"Because it started snowing heavily and I wanted to be here waiting."
"Yes, I know it started snowing. They told me....I was so happy."
"You were? Why is that?"
"No not for me. I was happy for you!"
[me giggling at his sweet thoughts while he was still coming to.]
"Well, thank you."
"Are the road conditions red?"
"I'm not sure but the roads haven't been cleared yet."
"Hmm" [Whips himself around in his seat to look out the back window (I'm guessing to look at the sign which indicates road conditions on base.) and just blank-stares for what had to be a full minute.]
We exit the base and come to a road where I have to make a left turn. I thought the car at the stop sign wasn't going to stop since he slid a little past the mark. So I just mumbled "whoa, please stop." or something like that. Jeff, and all of his under-the-influence intelligence, clarifies, "He can't see you because he doesn't have his lights on." (In broad morning daylight.) lol!
As we continue driving down the road, Jeff leans over and asks me to kiss him. Not the most attractive offer when your husband's breath smells like blood and his eyes are half way rolling back in his head.
ME [laughing]: 'I can't kiss you right now, I'm driving."
JEFF [flips down the passenger side mirror and gasps]: "They put blood on my lips!"
[hahaha] "They didn't put blood on your lips, you've just got a little there because you won't stop talking and put pressure on the gauze."
[Cue the big eyes, crazy kid expression]
"I can pressure!"
"Good job."
"What did they say about French kissing in the regiment?"
"What??"
"I didn't read anything about it. Did you ask them? I forgot to ask them"
"Well, no but I'm pretty sure they don't allow French kissing in the 'regiment'." [bahahaha]
"Oh."
[insert me still laughing]
JEFF [sounding a little groggy]: "There's new WRX coming out"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I read it in my magazine...looks fun!"
"Sounds great. Try not to talk so much."
"Right-pressure."
JEFF: "I'm mad."
"Why are you mad?"
"Because I didn't get to count down."
"Count down for what?"
"Ya know, 5-4-3-2- [insert very loud snoring sound here]"
[hahaha!]
"That's too bad. You can count down now if you'd like." [Not thinking he would.]
[Jeff is quiet for a moment]: "5...4...3...2...1.....0.......-1...-2...-3........"
He must have counted himself to sleep though I thought he was just quiet for a minute. I had to wipe the melted snow off the window so I used the windshield wipers. This clearly disturbed Jeff.
"Ahhh!"
"...sorry..." [trying not to laugh]
"I wasn't finished counting."
[hahaha] "Would you like to start over?" [again, not thinking he was going to]
"Ok. 5...4...3...2...1...0...-1...-2...-3...-4........will you pull into the driveway and pop the hood?" [He asks as we turn down our street.]
"Sure, I'll pull in the driveway. But why am I popping the hood??"
"Because I need to put more windshield washer fluid in."
"Let 'sjust get you into the house first. You can do that later."
"No, it needs to be done."
"I know-just not right this minute."
"But I'm a good husband and I take care of my wife!!"
"You're a great husband...but you're drugged and can't even stand up on your own right now."
"They drugged me!" [This wasn't a question.]
"Are you gonna carry me?" [He asks with a childish grin.]
"I'm going to HELP you walk."
"I'm a great walker."
[I walk around to his side to help him out, open the door and he starts gasping at the cold and fumbling with his beanie hat.]
"I need my hat! My hat!"
"Alright then put it on."
[Jeff put it on and looks rather content-as if he just realized how good he looks with a beanie on. LOL!]
The experience of getting him from the truck to our bed downstairs was pretty funny. He was very exaggerated about his first step up to the garage door and kept making himself laugh. Entering the house, we were greeted by Honey who looked happy but confused. lol Walking down stairs seemed to take forever and he kept talking about momentum. "I'm workin on my momentum." All the way down the hallway he pointed to EVERY picture and said, "I like that picture." I finally get him to sit on the bed and he asks me to help him take off his pants. So I took off his boots and was TRYING to help him take off his pants. It was like trying to de-robe a 6 foot child whose legs just hung with dead weight while he tells me "this isn't very sexy." To which I had to respond, "well it's not like your helping me." LOL! He laughed and eventually got himself under the covers and we changed his gauze before he passed out. (Oh yeah, real sexy babe...)
"Do I have more drugs? Where are they?"
"Yes, you have pain meds in the back seat. I'll bring them in once we get you settled."
"Awe, it's the military. They probably just gave me a bottle of Tylenol." [He either said Tylenol or Midol but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt hahaha!!!]
"No, they gave you the good stuff. You can take it when you're ready."
At this point he goes on to mumble a bunch of words that were supposed to be names of medicine but really his pronunciation of 'Oxycodone' was just a major fail.
Oh goodness I really couldn't even stand up straight I was laughing so hard. I think the only unfortunate thing about blogging is I can't reenact it for you. He made me promise not to video tape anything-but boy am I going to love telling this story for years to come. I will gladly share it with friends and family who ask. I certainly can't wait to tell him about it. I just went downstairs to check on him and he tells me, "I don't remember anything", and kept raising his eyebrows when he spoke.
I've had such a great morning....
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